Post Your Jokes Here

RGrew176

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A little girl asked her Mom, ?Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block??
Mom replies, ?No, because she is in heat.?
?What?s that mean?? asked the child.
?Go ask your father. I think he?s in the garage.?
The little girl goes to the garage and says, ?Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.?
Dad said, ?Bring Belle over here.? He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog?s backside with it and said, ?Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block.?
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, ?Where?s Belle??
The little girl said, ?She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.?
 

RGrew176

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A police officer was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer?s credibility ?
Q: ?Officer ? did you see my client fleeing the scene??
A: ?No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.?
Q: ?Officer, who provided this description??
A: ?The officer who responded to the scene.?
Q: ?A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers??
A: ?Yes, sir. With my life.?
Q: ?With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties??
A: ?Yes sir, we do!?
Q: ?And do you have a locker in the room??
A: ?Yes, sir, I do.?
Q: ?And do you have a lock on your locker??
A: ?Yes, sir.?
Q: ?Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers??
A: ?You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.?
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
 

RGrew176

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If you?ve ever been a house wife or you currently are one now, don?t you feel a bit under appreciated at times? I know I sure do. With all the cleaning, cooking, and caring we do for our husbands and children, I just wish we would receive a little more credit. In the following story, you?ll hear about a husband that came home to a house that looked like a disaster. When he finally found his wife and confronted her about it, her wife had the absolute perfect response?
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife?s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.
Proceeding into the entryway, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.
As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap, and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked:
?What happened here?!?
She again smiled and answered, ?You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day??
?Yes,? was his incredulous reply.
She answered, ?Well, today I didn?t do it.?
 

RGrew176

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A man named Mr. Smith was flying from San Francisco to LA. Unexpectedly the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 30 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. Mr. Smith had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the blind man had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.
Mr. Smith could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said Keith, we re in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?? Keith replied, ?No thanks, but maybe the dog would like to stretch his legs?. Now, picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
 

DeepCMark58A

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My teenage daughter came home from school in a rage the other day.

She had sex education in class that day "Dad you lied to me,You told me if I had sex before I was married my boyfriend would die."

I looked up from my laptop and said Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.
 

RGrew176

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Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stopped to listen.
MAN: ?Hello!?
WOMAN: ?Hi Honey, it?s me. Are you at the club??
MAN: ?Yes.?
WOMAN: ?I?m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It?s only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it??
MAN: ?Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.?
WOMAN: ?I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.?
MAN: ?How much??
WOMAN: ?$90,000.?
MAN: ?OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.?
WOMAN: ?Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They?re asking $980,000 for it.?
MAN: ?Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They?ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it?s what you really want.?
WOMAN: ?OK. I?ll see you later! I love you so much!?
MAN: ?Bye! I love you, too.? The man hung up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turned and asked, ?Anyone know whose phone this is??
 

RGrew176

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A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: ?You can?t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.?
The guy says OK, and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they?re all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: ?I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?? The guy replies: ?I did . . . today I?m taking them to the beach!?
 

RGrew176

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A cab driver picked up a nun. She got into the cab, and noticed that the VERY handsome cab driver wouldn?t stop staring at her.
She asked him why he was staring. He replied: ?I have a question to ask, but I don?t want to offend you.?
She answered, ?My son, you cannot offend me. When you?re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I?m sure that there?s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.?
?Well, I?ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.?
?Well, let?s see what we can do about that: No. 1, you have to be single, and No. 2, you must be Catholic,? she responded.
The cab driver, very excited, said, ?Yes, I?m single and Catholic!?
?OK,? the nun said. ?Pull into the next alley.?
The nun fulfilled his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they got back on the road, the cab driver started crying.
?My dear child,? said the nun, ?Why are you crying??
?Forgive me but I?ve sinned. I lied and I must confess; I?m married and I?m Jewish.?
The nun said, ?That?s OK. My name is Kevin and I?m going to a costume party.?
 

RGrew176

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A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication.

She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn?t know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.

The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, ?You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door.?

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car.

She looked at the hanger and said, ?I don?t know how to use this.?

She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, ?This is what you sent to help me?? But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said, ?Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car.

I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?

He said, ?Sure.? He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.

She hugged the man and through her tears she said, ?Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man.?

The man replied, ?Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour.?

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, ?Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a Professional!?
 

RGrew176

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On the first day God created the dog. God said, ?Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years.? The dog said, ?That?s too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I?ll give you back the other ten.?
So God agreed.
On the second day God created the monkey. God said, ?Entertain people, do monkey tricks and make them laugh. I?ll give you a twenty-year life span.? The monkey said, ?Monkey tricks for twenty years? I don?t think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that?s what I?ll do too, okay??
And God agreed.
On the third day God created the cow. ?You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years.?
The cow said, ?That?s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I?ll give back the other forty.?

And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, ?Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I?ll give you twenty years.?
Man said, ?What? Only twenty years? Tell you what, I?ll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay??
Okay,? said God, ?You?ve got a deal.?
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
 

brian4321

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Jan 19, 2014
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On the first day God created the dog. God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years.” The dog said, “That’s too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten.”
So God agreed.
On the second day God created the monkey. God said, “Entertain people, do monkey tricks and make them laugh. I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.” The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? I don’t think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that’s what I’ll do too, okay?”
And God agreed.
On the third day God created the cow. “You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I’ll give back the other forty.”

And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I’ll give you twenty years.”
Man said, “What? Only twenty years? Tell you what, I’ll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?”
Okay,” said God, “You’ve got a deal.”
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Good one! Keep em coming!
 

RGrew176

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A Canadian man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and quietly said, ?Your barracks door is open.?
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled by her comment. When he was about done shopping, a man passed and said out of the corner of his mouth, ?Your fly?s open.?
Being a good fellow, he zipped it up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he decided to intentionally get into the line where the lady was, who had told him about his barracks door. He was planning to have a little fun with her.
When he reached the check-out counter he said, ?When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing at attention??
The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, ?No, actually I didn?t. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.?
 

RGrew176

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For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you will enjoy this. For those of you not old enough, you will see what you missed. Either way, his humor was always clean, and he was a great entertainer. A rerun of great one liner?s from the man who was known for his clean humor. I hope you get
a chuckle or two reading them once more.

RED SKELTON?S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. She said? ?Somewhere I haven?t been in a long time!? So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said ?There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!? So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn?t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, ?In the lake.?
8. She got a mud-pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, ?Am I too late for the garbage?? The driver said, ?No, jump in!?
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn?t know her first name was Always.
12. I haven?t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don?t like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, ?What?s on the TV?? I said, ?Dust!?
Can?t you just hear him say all of these? I love it. These were the good old days when humor didn?t have to start with a four letter word? It was just clean and simple fun.
 

RGrew176

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Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, ?What are you in here for??
The second kid says, ?I?m in here to get my tonsils out and I?m a little nervous.?
The first kid says, ?You?ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It?s a breeze.?
The second kid then asks, ?What are you here for??
The first kid says, ?A circumcision.?
And the second kid says, ?Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born? Couldn?t walk for a year.
 

RGrew176

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Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, “You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window.”

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second guy says, “What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen.” “No, it’s true,” said the first man, let me prove it to you.” He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. “You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke.”

“No, I’ll prove it again,” says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.

Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. “Well, what the hey,” the second guy says, “it works, I’ll try it!” He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors …and hits the sidewalk with a ‘splat.’ Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying “You know, Superman, sometimes you can be a real jerk.”
 

RGrew176

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The following questions were set in last year’s GCSE examination. These are genuine answers from 16 year olds….

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true)


Q. How is dew formed.
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.


Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on.
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.


Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.


Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.


Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.


Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt,pepper, mustard and vinegar.


Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.


Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.


Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow.(Simple, but brilliant)


Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.


Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain,the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (wtf!)


Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby.


Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work)


Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.


Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)


Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)


Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (Brilliant)
 

RGrew176

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A man boarded a plane with six kids and got settled into their seats.
A woman sitting across the aisle leans over and says, ?Excuse me sir but are these your kids??
To which he replied, ?No, I work for a company that manufactures condoms.
And these are customer complaints.?
 

RGrew176

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The other night a mans wife was invited out for a night with the girls. She told her husband that she will be home by midnight, she promised.

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m, a bit loaded, she headed for home.

Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another 9 times.

She was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed? 3 cuckoos plus 9 totals = 12 Cuckoos MIDNIGHT.

The next morning her husband asked her what time she got in, and she told him MIDNIGHT? he didn?t seem angry in the least. Whew, she got away with that one.

Then he said, ?We need a new cuckoo clock.?

She asked him why, and he said, ?Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, uttered some swear words, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and fell.?
 

RGrew176

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Young Mia, only four years old, returned home from her school complaining, ?Mummy, I?ve got a stomach ache.?
?That?s because your stomach is empty,? Sarah, her mother replied kindly. ?You?ll feel better when you have something in it.?
She made Mia a small snack and sure enough, Mia felt better immediately.
Later that afternoon Mia?s class tutor dropped by to see Sarah. While she was chatting with Mia?s mum, she mentioned she?d had a bad headache all day long.
Mia perked up straightaway and announced to her teacher, ?That?s because it?s empty. You?d feel better if you had something in it!?
 

RGrew176

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The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, ?You Can Be THE Man Of Your House.? He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, ?From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I?m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who?s going to dress me and comb my hair??

The wife replied, ?The damn funeral director would be my first guess.?
 
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