Post Your Jokes Here

RGrew176

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?Patient in to ER at 0400 with no complaints: ?I have been having chest pain for 4 months but I am not having chest pain now. The reason I?m here now is because I heard that 4am is the best time to come cause there are not that many people.? ?

?Had a woman call 911 because she ?had d?j? vu in the shower and got nervous.??

?Got a frantic call from a woman who claimed she had overdosed and needed help immediately. We arrive on scene, and she hands us an empty mint container, saying she took them all. That night she learned that you cannot overdose on mints.?
 

RGrew176

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A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her Clarkston, MI class.

She presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you.

While reading, keep in mind that these are just 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic... although sad to see it said!

1. Don't change horses........................... until they stop.
2. Strike while the.................................. bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before................... Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of..... termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but....... how?
6. Don't bite the hand that..................... looks dirty.
7. No news is.......................................... impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a......................... Mister.
9. You can't teach an old dog new.......... math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll........ stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust.................................... me.
12. The pen is mightier than the............. pigs.
13. An idle mind is.................................. the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's............ pollution.
15. Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is............................... not much.
17. Two's company, three's..................... the Musketeers
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what....... you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and............................. you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as................ Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not....... spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed............... get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you......................................... see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind........... get out of the way.

And the WINNER is... the last one...

25. Better late than................................ pregnant.
 

Tim Frank

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With only altruistic intent, may I suggest this thread be re-titled "The Rick Grew Humor Repository ~ Post Your Jokes here" :)
 

wrvond

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With only altruistic intent, may I suggest this thread be re-titled "The Rick Grew Humor Repository ~ Post Your Jokes here" :)

As long as you don't include the word "memorial" in the title, I can't imagine he'd have a problem with that. ;)
 

RGrew176

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A man was driving along the motorway when he saw two penguins standing in the hard shoulder. They looked lost, so he picked them up and put them in the back seat of his car. He then goes to the petrol station to fill up and whilst he is there the attendant notices the penguins in the back seat.

He says to the man, ?What are those two penguins doing in the back of your car??

The man says, ?I found them on the road and they looked lost, so I picked them up?

?You should take them to the zoo,? replied the attendant.

?What a good idea,? said the man, and then paid for his petrol and drove off.

The next day he went to the same petrol station and the same attendant serves him and notices the penguins are still in the car. He says to the man, ?I thought I told you to take them to the zoo??

The man replies, ?I did... they loved it... and now I?m going to take them to the movies!?
 

RGrew176

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Bugs Bunny was shopping at the supermarket and a sales assistant said to him: ?If you can tell me what 19,866 times 10,543 is, we?ll give you free carrots for life.?

Immediately, Bugs responded: ?209,447,238?.

The sales assistant was astonished and asked: ?How on earth did you do that??

Bugs replied: ?If there?s one thing rabbits are good at, it?s multiplying."
 

RGrew176

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It was Valentine's day and Jim and Danielle's first date. They sat in the darkened cinema waiting for the film to start.
The screen finally lit up with a flashy advertisement for the cinema's concession stand. Jim and Danielle realised that there was no sound. The film began but the silence continued.

Suddenly, out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd loudly shouted', Okay, who's got the remote control?'
 

wrvond

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Bugs Bunny was shopping at the supermarket and a sales assistant said to him: “If you can tell me what 19,866 times 10,543 is, we’ll give you free carrots for life.”

Immediately, Bugs responded: “209,447,238”.

The sales assistant was astonished and asked: “How on earth did you do that?”

Bugs replied: “If there’s one thing rabbits are good at, it’s multiplying."

I can't multiply, I had a vasectomy...
 

RGrew176

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A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife... "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks

"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin' well pouring with rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here... on the swing," replied the drunk.
 

RGrew176

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There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."

The man begged the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continued to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappeared and informed the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathered his largest suitcase and filled it with pure gold bars and placed it beside his bed.

Soon afterward, he died and showed up at the gates of heaven to greet St. Peter.

St. Peter, seeing the suitcase, said, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

The man explained to St. Peter that he had permission and asked him to verify his story with the Lord.

Sure enough, St. Peter checked it out, came back and said, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaimed, "You brought pavement?"

"The great street of the city of heaven was of pure gold."
- Revelation 21:21
 

RGrew176

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When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.
When smoking a fish, never inhale.
A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheard of... Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
Effective January 1, 1997, you will actually have to enlist in the Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.
Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.
You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.
You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.
Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.
A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be worn while camping. Buy only those that read: "Beat on a rock in stream."
The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.
Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.
Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
 
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Tim Frank

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A man received the following text from his neighbor...

"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in...
"Damn auto-correct. I meant wifi, not wife."
 

88evinrude

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3 friends are on a deer hunting trip. Now two of these guys are fairly smart while the third is a bit dim. Well the first friend takes a massive buck. The other two friends amazed by this ask him how he did it. He replied "I followed some tracks and came across him". The next day the second fella does the same and takes a good buck and of coarse the dim fella asked how did ya find him. Of coarse the second guy replies just as the first " I followed some tracks and came across him.Now its the final dim friend to take his deer well he heads out that morning and doesn't return. The two other friends get worried and spend the remaining days of the trip looking for him. 3 days go by and the two hear a hard beating on the door when one they answer it they see the 3rd friend. His cloths are tattered hes covered in mud and blood and looks rather pi$$ed off. The two friends ask him what happened to which he replied I followed some tracks as you guys suggested and got hit by a d*** train.
 

RGrew176

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The Sunday School lesson for the first graders was on the plan of salvation. The teacher asked, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"

"No!" all the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "No!"

"Well," she continued, "then how can I get to heaven?"

One boy confidently answered, "You've gotta be dead!"
 

aspeck

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3 friends are on a deer hunting trip. Now two of these guys are fairly smart while the third is a bit dim. Well the first friend takes a massive buck. The other two friends amazed by this ask him how he did it. He replied "I followed some tracks and came across him". The next day the second fella does the same and takes a good buck and of coarse the dim fella asked how did ya find him. Of coarse the second guy replies just as the first " I followed some tracks and came across him.Now its the final dim friend to take his deer well he heads out that morning and doesn't return. The two other friends get worried and spend the remaining days of the trip looking for him. 3 days go by and the two hear a hard beating on the door when one they answer it they see the 3rd friend. His cloths are tattered hes covered in mud and blood and looks rather pi$$ed off. The two friends ask him what happened to which he replied I followed some tracks as you guys suggested and got hit by a d*** train.

Made me chuckle thinking about a friend ... the first deer he "killed" he shot and it ran towards the railroad tracks ... a train was coming ... last he saw that deer it was falling over onto the tracks and the train was scooping the deer up and taking him towards Harrisburg, never to be seen again ... following tracks can get you in trouble!
 

RGrew176

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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
 
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