Post Your Jokes Here

[southkogs]

... so I could have had an original genuine hand signed Les Paul guitar today, but my careless uncle broke it like it was a mere useless item.

OUCH. :Cry:

 

[avenger79]

well as long as we are on the Les Paul conversation: I have two incidents to speak of
First when I was younger my dad liked to play guitar. he never had a lot of money but was great at "wheelin and Dealin" so he worked out a trade for a guitar. A guy in another town gave my dad a Gibson Les Paul and an ES335 (I think) with a marshal amp head and double stack cabinet for an ovation he had.
My dad brought the rig home played it for a couple months than traded the whole kit for a Dobro.

Second I met a guy at an old car lot. I was diggin around old trucks etc. happened to walk in his office and seen an old tube amp. I asked if he played, he said he toyed around a bit. I stopped by a few more times, mostly to talk about guitars etc. finally invited him over to play a bit. He shows up with his "Les Paul". when he opened the case I thought wow what a newbie, doesn't even know he has an SG not a Les Paul. than I looked at the headstock, hmmm it said Les Paul. I told him I hate to tell you this, but someone might have changed the neck on your guitar. it is an SG with a Les Paul neck. He was a nice guy, bit older than I was. He chuckled a little and said, no this is an original Les Paul before they took the new shape. Of course that got me to checking things out, yep his was a Les Paul.
Oh and toying around, yeah that cat could flat out play. we lost touch after a couple years but to this day I still play some of the things I learned from him.

 

[southkogs]

I did a lot of my learnin' on a 335. My old guitar teacher had one and that's what he had me play. LOVED that guitar. Never bought one though.

 

[gm280]

If we are still talking about music, I picked up a thrown out Music Man Amp HD130 (I think now) head unit from the side of the street. My neighbor, who was moving out of their home, put it out by the street because it needed fixed and he didn't want to fool with in anymore. It is a tube output version and I snatched it up quickly. I have to look into it, but any Music Man head unit is worth a pretty price regardless the condition. I know electronics and have the schematic and plans to totally restore it. Yea, another project on my long list.

 

[RGrew176]

After dying in a car crash, three friends find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven. Each one was asked, "When you are in your casket, what would you like to hear your friends and family saying about you?"

Sean says, "I would like to hear them say I was a great doctor and a great family man."

Karl says, "I would like to hear them say I was a wonderful husband and an excellent teacher who made a difference in children's lives."

Juan says, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

 

[RGrew176]

Man walks into the barbershop, sits down in the chair and the barber asks, "How do you want your haircut?"

The man says, " I would like the sideburns one high and one low, a few long hairs sticking out of the back and a few chunks on the side and top."

The barber looks puzzled and says, "I'm not sure I can do that."

The customer says, "Why not, you did it that way last time."

 

[RGrew176]

On the first day of Spring Training, a baseball scout brings a race horse with him to add to the starting line-up. The coach asks, "What did you bring that horse here for?"

The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat."

All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat. At this point, the horse grabs the bat, and everyone quiets down. They stare at the horse. The pitcher, just shrugs his shoulders, and throws the ball toward home plate when astonishingly the horse hits the ball deep in the outfield.

The horse just stands there and does not move. The manager then yells at the baseball scout to tell the horse to run to first base. The scout looks back at the manager and yells back, "If he could run, he'd be at Belmont!"

 

[RGrew176]

On the way to lunch, a teacher spotted two boys playfully fighting. She asked one of the boys to go to the back of the line and he came back right after.

?Why aren't you at the end of the line?" asked the teacher.

The boy replied, "I couldn't, someone was already there."

 

[RGrew176]

Frosty the snowman was spotted looking through the carrot bin at the local supermarket...






He was picking his nose.

 

[RGrew176]

During weekly visits to my allergist, I?ve noticed a lot of inattentive parents with ill-behaved children in the waiting room. So I was impressed one day to see a mother with her little boy, helping him sound out the words on a sign.

Finally he mastered it and his mother cheered, "That?s great! Now sit there. I?ll be back in 15 minutes."

What did the sign say?

"Children must not be left unattended."

 

[RGrew176]

Mrs. Smith needed to have her piano tuned so she asked a friend for a recommendation. She then made an appointment with the piano tuner, Mr. Opperknockity. He arrived two days later, tuned the piano satisfactorily, and left.

Shortly after that, Mrs. Smith noticed that the piano was terribly out of tune again. She called the tuner to complain about it and to ask for a return visit to solve the problem.

However, the tuner replied, "I'm sorry ma'am, but Opperknockity only tunes once!"

 

[RGrew176]

On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.

'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Daniel.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.

'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.

 

[RGrew176]

Preparing my son for his first day of kindergarten, we were reviewing numbers and counting.

Suddenly he asked, "What is the biggest number in the world?"

As briefly as possible, I tried to explain the concept of infinity. I thought I had done pretty well, but then he said, "Dad, what number comes just before infinity?"

 

[dwco5051]

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears.
The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank .
In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA- BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.
And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says. ?You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,..........

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!"

 

[RGrew176]

?I?ve never flown before," said the nervous old lady to the pilot. ?You will bring me down safely, won?t you?"

?All I can say ma?am,? said the pilot, ?is that I?ve never left anyone up there yet!?

 

[RGrew176]

The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."

"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."

 

[RGrew176]

My older son loves school, but his younger brother absolutely hates it. One weekend he cried and fretted and tried every excuse not to go back on Monday. Sunday morning on the way home from church, the crying and whining built to a crescendo.

At the end of my rope, I finally stopped the car and explained, "Honey, it?s a law. If you don?t go to school, they?ll put Mommy in jail."

He looked at me, thought a moment, then asked, "How long would you have to stay?"

 

[RGrew176]

Charlie Brown, Snoopy, Dilbert, Dogbert, Garfield, Jon Arbuckle, and a whole lot of comic strip characters and their pets were on an airplane flying from Miami to Los Angeles.

In the middle of the flight, the flight attendant gave out food to everyone but Charlie Brown and Snoopy. They asked him why everyone else got some food and they didn't.

The flight attendant said, "Sorry, but we don't serve PEANUTS on this flight."

 

[RGrew176]

A first-grader came to the ophthalmology office where I work to have his vision checked. He sat down and I turned off the lights.

Then I switched on a projector that flashed the letters F, Z and B on a screen. I asked the boy what he saw.

Without hesitation he replied, "Consonants."

 

[RGrew176]

Being a teenager and getting a tattoo seem to go hand and hand these days. I wasn?t surprised when one of my daughter?s friends showed me a delicate little Japanese symbol on her hip. "Please don?t tell my parents," she begged.

"I won?t," I promised. "You're 18 now, so I guess it's your choice. By the way, what does that stand for?"

"Honesty," she said.