Post Your Jokes Here

[RGrew176]

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, ?Where did you get such a great flying broomstick??

The second engineer replied, ?Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful witch flew up on this broomstick. She threw the broomstick to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ?Take what you want.?

The first engineer nodded approvingly, ?Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn?t have fit.?

 

[RGrew176]

It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? (Pause as he listens.) How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" and promptly slammed the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"

The husband replies, "I don?t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

 

[RGrew176]

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.

I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the son of a gun clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.

On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office. The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot.

I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room. He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellows in here just before you." "I don't know" replies the man,"picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest....."

 

[RGrew176]

A wealthy ninety year old tycoon is meeting with is financial advisor. The advisor is very excited and tells the old man. ? I just found out about an investment I can make for you which will double your money in just five years!?

?Five years? Are you kidding?? exclaims the old man. ?At my age, I don?t even buy green bananas!?

 

[RGrew176]

One night, a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, even skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $67.50."

 

[RGrew176]

A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.

The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"

"How should I know?" the man answers, "I'm not a lawyer!"

 

[RGrew176]

A married couple were vacationing in Hawaii and disagreed on the correct pronunciation of the state name. He said it was Hawaii and his wife said it was Havaii.

They stopped a man on the street to ask his opinion. He said the correct pronunciation was Havaii. The man's wife was delighted and thanked the man.

The man said, "You're velcome."

 

[RGrew176]

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.

"I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."

The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled. "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby."

 

[RGrew176]

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "she's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

 

[RGrew176]

The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic awhile back. "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?"

"Not a bit," the husband replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you!"

 

[RGrew176]

A guy was unfortunate enough to be hit by a truck and ended up in the hospital. His best friend came to visit him.

The guy struggles to tell his friend, "My wife Sadie visits me three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside."

"What does she read?" the friend asks.

"My life insurance policy."

 

[RGrew176]

Patient 1: "Why did you run away from the operation table?"

Patient 2: "The nurse was repeatedly saying 'don't get nervous', 'don't be afraid', 'be strong', 'this is a small operation only', things like that."

Patient 1: "So what was wrong in that? Why were you so afraid?"

Patient 2: "She was talking to the surgeon!"

 

[RGrew176]

Owner of a aircraft manufacturing company stopped by the aircraft testing airfield to check on the newest test pilot.

He asked the supervisor how the new guy was doing. "Terrible! He has already crashed four planes this week!"

Owner replied, "How is this possible? Where did he work before coming here?"

Supervisor said, "He designed Windows software for Microsoft."

 

[RGrew176]

Mama bear, papa bear, and baby bear were having a great time chasing vacationers in a car as they were visiting Yellowstone National Park.

"Daddy?"

"Yes, Baby Bear?"

"I think we could be doing a better job of scaring these vacationers."

"But Baby Bear," Mama Bear injected. "What more can we do?"

"Maybe we'd have more of an effect on them if we got out of this car and started chasing them on all fours!"

 

[RGrew176]

A brunette, a red-head and a blonde were in jail when they decided to break out. The girls broke out and the brunette said, "Let's hide in that barn, they'll never find us." So they climed up the ladder and then the blonde threw it down.

The next morning, the cops said, "Come out with your hands in the air!" The red-head said, "Hide in those baskets, they'll never find us!" So the Brunette got in the first one, the red-head got in the second one and the blonde got in the third one.

Meanwhile, the cops were getting a ladder set up and trying to get up there.

Once they got up, the seargent ordered them to kick the baskets. So the cop kicked the first one: "RUFF." "It's just a damn dog!" yelled the cop. The cop kicked the next one: "MEOW." "It's just a damn cat," yelled the cop. The cop kicked the next basket and the blonde yelled, "POTATOES!"

 

[RGrew176]

When I stepped on the scale at my doctor?s office, I was surprised to see that I weighed 144 pounds.

?Why don?t you just take off that last four?? I joked to the nurse?s aide as she made a notation on my chart.

A few moments later, my doctor came in and flipped through the chart.

?I see you?ve lost weight,? he said. ?You?re down to... 14 pounds????

 

[RGrew176]

John and Nancy were married for 40 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows and planned a second wedding.

They were discussing the details with their friends. Nancy wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear. One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with the dress.

Nancy replied, "Silver."

At that point, her husband chimed in, "Yep, silver...to match her hair."

Shooting a glaring look at John's bald spot, Nancy's friend said, "So, John, I guess you are going barefoot then."

 

[RGrew176]

A man buys a parrot, only to have it constantly insult him. He tries everything to make the parrot stop, but nothing works.

Frustrated, the man puts the parrot in the freezer. After a few minutes the insults stop. The man thinks he might have killed the parrot, so he opens the freezer and takes the parrot out.

The parrot is shivering. It stammers, ?S-s-sorry for being r-r-rude. Please f-f-forgive me.?

Then, after a moment, the parrot softly asks, ?W-w-what exactly d-d-did the turkey do??

 

[RGrew176]

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"

"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"

The clerk replies, "Canned or frozen?"

 

[RGrew176]

Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims!