Post Your Jokes Here

[RGrew176]

A young woman, pursuing a graduate degree in art history, was going to Italy to study the country's greatest works of art. Since there was no one to look after her grandmother while she was away, she took the old lady with her.

At the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican, she pointed to the painting on the ceiling. "Grandma, it took Michelangelo a full four years to get that ceiling painted."

"Oh my, "the grandmother says. "He and I must have the same landlord."

 

[RGrew176]

A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers. A billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to hers.

When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number. "I've had mine for twenty years," she pleaded. "Couldn't you change yours?"

The company refused, so she said, "Fine. From now on, I'm going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full."

The company got a new number the next day.

 

[RGrew176]

Two women are standing in line to pay their bill at a restaurant. As soon as it's their turn, they hand the young waitress a credit card.

After swiping the card, she loudly called out to her manager, "Mr. Andrews, what do I do if it says 'rejected'?"

As the women's faces reddened and customers turned to look, Mr. Andrews walked out from the kitchen.

"Well," he answered, wiping his hands, "the first thing you DON'T do is shout it out loud enough to embarrass the customer, who might have been thinking of leaving you a tip."

 

[RGrew176]

Joan invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," Joan answered.

The girl thought for a minute, then bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

 

[RGrew176]

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, with his thumb over the meat.

"Are you crazy?" yells the customer. "What's with your hand on my steak?"

"Sorry," answers the waiter, "I don?t want it to fall on the floor again."

 

[RGrew176]

A man went in to a restaurant and ordered alphabet soup. The man's alphabet soup was in front of him when a bee went inside.

The man cried out, "Waiter, Waiter, there's a bee in my alphabet soup!"

The waiter said, "Yes, sir, and I believe all the other letters are there too."

 

[RGrew176]

?Today,? said the professor, ?I will be lecturing about the kidneys, intestines, pancreas, and the liver.?

One med student leaned toward his friend sitting next to him, ?Great, we have to sit through another organ recital.?

 

[RGrew176]

Back in my hippie college days, a professor came up to me in the cafeteria and asked me, "Ya dig?"

I thought to myself, this guy's pretty far out. I answered, "Yeh, man. I dig!"

That's how I got hoodwinked into joining his archaeological expedition.

 

[RGrew176]

I waited for a very long time for my number to be called at the Department of Motor Vehicles to renew my driver's license. As I approached the window, the clerk asked how she could help me.

I replied, "I need to get a haircut, can you save me my spot?"

She said, "Why didn't you get a haircut before your came here?"

I replied, "I didn't need one before I got here!"

 

[bassman284]

Back in my hippie college days, a professor came up to me in the cafeteria and asked me, "Ya dig?"

I thought to myself, this guy's pretty far out. I answered, "Yeh, man. I dig!"

That's how I got hoodwinked into joining his archaeological expedition.

Well, the world needs ditch-diggers too.

 

[RGrew176]

A farmer and his recently hired hand were eating an early breakfast of biscuits and gravy, scrambled eggs, bacon and coffee that the farmer's wife had prepared for them. Thinking of all the work they had to get done that day, the farmer told the hired man he might as well go ahead and eat his lunch too.

The hired man didn't say a word, but filled his plate a second time and proceeded to eat. After awhile the farmer said, "We've got so much work to do today, you might as well eat your supper now too."

Again, the hired man didn't respond but refilled his plate a third time and continued to eat. Finally, after eating his third plate of food, the hired man pushed back his chair and began to take off his shoes.

"What are you doing"? the farmer asked.

The hired man replied, "I don't work after supper."

 

[RGrew176]

A man entered a diner and ordered a large bowl of soup. A big horse fly then flew into the bowl. The startled man saw the fly, then retorted to the waiter. "Look at this bowl, what do you see? A horse fly right? What is it doing in my soup?"

The waiter, not sure how to reply, said, "I'm not sure, but it looks like the backstroke to me."

 

[dwco5051]

Customer: "Waiter, there is a fly in my soup"

Waiter: "That is quite possible, our new cook used to be a tailor"

 

[gm280]

Customer, "Waiter, there is a fly in my vegetable soup"

Waiter: "Shuush, not so loud...the other customers will want one. We won't charge you for the extra meat"

 

[RGrew176]

A man was the first to arrive at work one morning. The phone rang and he answered. When the caller asked for some specific information, the man explained that it was before normal business hours but that he would help if he could.

"What's your job there?" the caller asked.

The man replied, "I'm the company president."

There was a pause. Then the caller said, "I'll call back later. I need to talk to someone who knows something about what's going on."

 

[RGrew176]

A teacher said to her student, "Billy, if both of your parents were born in 1967, how old are they now?"

After a few moments, Billy answered, "It depends."

"It depends on what?" she asked.

"It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother."

 

[RGrew176]

A little boy was doing his geography homework one evening and turned to his father and said, ?Dad, where would I find the Andes?

?Don?t ask me,? said the father. ?Ask your mother. She puts everything away in this house.?

 

[RGrew176]

The frugal man walked into the house panting and almost completely exhausted. ?What happened, Honey?? asked his wife.

?It?s a great new idea I have,? he gasped. ?I ran all the way home behind the bus and saved $1.50.?

?That wasn?t too smart,? replied his wife. ?Why didn?t you run behind a taxi and save ten dollars??

 

[RGrew176]

During training exercises, the Lieutenant was driving down a muddy back road when he encountered another car stuck in the mud, with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is!"

 

[gm280]

Some funny sayings;

They say money talks. Well, my money used to talk, then it whispered; now it just sneaks off.

If people from Poland are called ?Poles,? why aren?t people from Holland called ?Holes?.

Why do we say something is out of whack? What?s in whack?

When someone asks you, ?A penny for your thoughts,? and you put your two cents in what happens to the other penny?

Why is a man who invests your money called a ?broker??

Why are wise man and wise guy opposites?

Why isn?t 11 pronounced onety one?

Did Roman paramedics refer to IV?s as ?4?s??

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the Driver licenses of bald men?

If it is true that we are only here to help others, what exactly are the others here for?

Why do they put criminal picture up in the Post Offices? Are we supposed to write to them? Why don?t they put the criminal pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them when delivering the mail?