Post Your Jokes Here

[RGrew176]

A man got lost in his car during a snow storm. He remembered something he had read earlier: "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it."

Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and he followed it for about 45 minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked the man what he was doing. He explained that he had read somewhere that if he ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the mall parking lot, now you can follow me over to the ice rink."

 

[RGrew176]

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"

"Well, Honey..." said the boy's mom, "the stork brought you to us."

"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

"Oh, the stork brought us too," chimed in the dad.

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the mom, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

 

[RGrew176]

Mr. Jones is on a business trip and has bought some fish to bring home to his wife.

The fish was very expensive, so Mr. Jones decides to hide it until the next day, when he would leave the hotel. The fish is well-packaged in multiple layers of paper, so Mr. Jones hides it between the leaves of a rather large plant in his room.

On the day of his departure, Mr. Jones oversleeps and has to hastily pack all his stuff in order to catch his train. He, of course, forgets the fish. Embarrassed about his mishap, he doesn't tell the hotel when he finds out.

Two weeks later, he gets a message from the hotel that says: "Dear Mr. Jones ... all is forgiven. Just tell us ... where is it?!?!"

 

[RGrew176]

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude . . .?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

 

[RGrew176]

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy..."

 

[RGrew176]

First golfer: ?I have the greatest golf ball in the world. You can?t lose it.?

Second golfer: ?How so??

First golfer: ?If you hit it into the sand, it beeps. You hit it into the water, it floats. If you want to play golf at night it glows.?

Second golfer: ?Hey, sounds good. Where did you get it??

First golfer: ?I found it in the woods.?

 

[RGrew176]

A tired hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. ?Am I glad to see you!? he said. ?I?ve been lost for three days.?

?Don?t get too excited, friend,? the other hunter replied. ?I?ve been lost for three weeks.?

 

[RGrew176]

A neighbor asked his friend, who was celebrating 50 years of marriage, what the secret was to a long and happy marriage?

His friend replied, "When we were first married, we vowed to go out twice a week no matter how little money we had and we have done so for 50 years."

"Twice a week, you say?"

"Yeah. She goes out on Tuesday and I go out on Friday."

 

[RGrew176]

A happily married man had only one complaint, his wife was always nursing sick birds. One cold evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its beak sitting in his favorite chair.

On the dining room table there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin while in the kitchen his wife was comforting a shivering little wren that she found.

The furious spouse strode over to where his wife was toweling down the cold little bird.

"I can't take it any more! We've got to get rid of all of these darn..."

The wife held up her hand to cut him off in mid-curse. "Please dear," she said, "not in front of the chilled wren."

 

[RGrew176]

During a test, the college professor noticed that a married student, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. After class, before she left, the teacher asked her, "Are you okay? I noticed you were holding onto your side."

"Oh, I'm fine," the student answered. "It's just that my baby was pushing his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little."

"Well, that's good," the professor said, feeling relieved.

"Yes," she continued. "It's strange. He normally sleeps during your class too."

 

[RGrew176]

Due to a power outage, the house was very dark. The paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

After little Connor was born, the paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on the bottom. He began to cry.

The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. She quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, spank him again!"

 

[RGrew176]

When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. Her 4-year-old son overheard some of his parents private conversations.

One day, when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping, a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"

 

[RGrew176]

My wife had mentioned several times that she hoped I could get our grass mowed this weekend. Well, I procrastinated a bit too long and while I was watching football on TV, there was a 37 yard pass with a spectacular catch for a go ahead touchdown.

I jumped up and shouted, "Oh my GOSH! Did you see that?!?!"

And my wife said, "Yes, I see... what a lovely lawn they have."

 

[drrnjnr]

In the great days of the British Empire

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, ‘You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, He’s my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.’

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.

‘Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.’

‘Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I’ve represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of…..’

At that point, the colonel interrupted, ‘Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor off.’
​

 

[RGrew176]

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'?"

 

[RGrew176]

A little boy called Ben was taken to the dentist.

Examination revealed that Ben had a cavity, which needed filling. "Now, young man," asked the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like for that tooth, amalgam or composite?"

"I would prefer chocolate, please," replied Ben.

 

[RGrew176]

His team was 20 points behind and the coach was desperate, so he looked down the bench to his 330 pound tackle that was not his brightest player.

The coach called him over and asked him, "If I put you in, can you play ruthless?"

"I sure can coach! Which one is ruthless?"

 

[boatman37]

for the computer guys out there....

do you know the best thing about a UDP joke?

i don't care if you don't get it:lol:

for those that don't get it:
UDP is a connectionless protocol used by video, streaming media, etc where speed is more important than the assurance that it was received. so basically it is sent and doesn't care if you got it or not

 

[aspeck]

On a cold Winter morning, wife texts husband:

"WINDOWS FROZEN, WON'T OPEN"


Husband texts back:

"POUR SOME LUKEWARM WATER OVER IT AND TAP GENTLY ALONG THE EDGES WITH A HAMMER"


Five minutes later wife texts husband:

"COMPUTER REALLY SCREWED UP NOW"

 

[WIMUSKY]

Sounds like a blonde joke, 'Speck!