Post Your Jokes Here

[RGrew176]

A mother and daughter were reading tea leaves in the bottom of their cups during lunch. Wanting to get attention the little brother said, "that?s nothing" as he flung spaghetti on the wall. He told his mother and sister that spaghetti was a much more reliable source for reading the future.

The mother took a close look at the spaghetti as it slid down the wall. She said, "I think you?re right, do you see that noodle? It?s telling me you?ll be grounded for a week."

 

[RGrew176]

Three men appear in court, on charges of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park. The judge asks the first defendant, "What were you doing?"

"Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond."

The judge asks the second gentleman, "And what were you doing?"

"I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too."

"Sounds harmless," says the judge. He turns to the third person, "And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well?"

"No, sir. I AM Peanuts!"

 

[RGrew176]

Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit. Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks.

"Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 183."

Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"

 

[RGrew176]

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.

"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

"Oh great! NOW you tell me!" said the beginner.

 

[RGrew176]

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

 

[RGrew176]

A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.

"To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and $2 million," the attorney reads.

"To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million."

"And finally," the lawyer concludes, "to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Dan!"

 

[RGrew176]

A Shaolin monk, a great philosopher and a priest were walking down a country road and came upon a young farm boy. At that moment the four of them looked up to see a chicken crossing the road.

The question arose, why does the chicken cross the road?

The Shaolin monk said it?s the destiny of the chicken to seek its own path.

The great philosopher said its action teaches a lesson in the ways of nature much like life itself.

The Priest said it?s because it follows the plan of our maker under his divine rule.

Just then the young farm boy spoke up, "Actually, it?s because I left the chicken coop door open."

 

[RGrew176]

A cop pulled me over and saids, "Papers."
I turned to him and said, "Scissors. I win!" and then drove away.

 

[RGrew176]

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

 

[RGrew176]

A guy is doing some handyman work at a house. Across the room is a large gray parrot on a perch. The family dog comes into the room and jumps up on the couch. The parrot says, ?Get off the couch!? and the dog jumps down immediately.

A small child comes into the room with toys and the parrot says, ?Go to your room!? and the child picks up his toys leaves without hesitation.

The guy turns to the parrot and says, ?I?ve never seen anything like that before."

The parrot looks at the guy and says, ?Get back to work!?

 

[RGrew176]

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?










A receding hare-line.

 

[RGrew176]

At the supermarket, a woman shopped with her four boys and a baby. Her patience was wearing thin as the boys called out, "Mommy! Mommy!" while she tried to shop.

Finally, she blurted out, "I don?t want to hear the word mommy for at least ten minutes!"

The boys fell silent for a few seconds. Then one tugged on his mother?s dress and said softly, "Excuse me, miss."

 

[RGrew176]

What do you call a dinosaur that turns small words into big words?











A Thesaurus!

 

[RGrew176]

I was driving home from work when I was pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Three days later, I got the same ticket, at the same stop, from the same cop.

?So, have you learned anything?? asked the cop.

?Yes, I have,? I began. ?I?ve learned it's time to find a new way home from work.?

 

[RGrew176]

The economy is terrible.

At the beginning of the year, the politicians promised things would improve by the last quarter...

Well, I'm down to my last quarter and they haven't improved!

 

[RGrew176]

A young woman wasn't feeling well and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.

"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."

The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!"

Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."

 

[RGrew176]

A man comes up to the owner of a lumberjack business and says, "I need a job and I think I'm pretty good."

The owner replied, "Okay, show me what you can do, chop down that redwood over there." The man said okay and left. Five minutes later he came back and was done.

The owner was shocked and asked, "How did you chop that tree down so fast?"

The man said, "I got a lot of practice in the Sahara."

The owner replied, "You mean the Sahara desert?"

"Yes," he said, "or at least that's what they call it now."

 

[RGrew176]

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes she had found the lens.

"I looked everywhere, how did you do that?" he asked.

"We weren?t looking for the same thing," she explained. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I, on the other hand, was looking for $150!"

 

[RGrew176]

My mother-in-law sent me two sweaters for Christmas.

When she came for a visit, I put on one of the sweaters.

The first thing she said was, "What's the matter? Didn't you like the other one?"

 

[RGrew176]

The other day, the wife and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.

To her credit, she finally said, "Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right."

"Fine." I said.

She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, "I'm wrong."

I grinned and replied, "You're right."