Post Your Jokes Here

RGrew176

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With the help of a fertility specialist, a 75 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 75 year old mother says, "Not yet."

A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"

"When the baby cries."

"Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "Because I forgot where I put it."
 

RGrew176

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A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.



There was only one problem. The magician had a parrot in the act and the parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.



Once the parrot understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it?s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!? or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades??



The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. In fact, the act became a comedy act and the magician was in demand on every cruise ship.



Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.



The magician, luckily, found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea and , as fate would have it ... with the parrot.





They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.





This went on for a day...



and then 2 days.



and then 3 days.



Finally, on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...



"OK, I give up. Where's the freakin' ship? "
 

RGrew176

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A car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. The lady driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats and appear naked to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the lady of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"

"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer.

"Well, those are my emergency flashers!" she replies.
 

RGrew176

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"Hey Mom, my DNA sample results are back from the genealogy place. According to the report I have 44 points of Neanderthal DNA. Does that mean I?m related to a cave man?"

"Yes, dear, it?s from your father?s side of the family."
 

RGrew176

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A woman with a minor injury was at the hospital because her doctor said she wanted to take a closer look at it to make sure everything was all right. The woman's husband sits patiently in the waiting room.
After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks her assistant for a wrench, which understandably concerns the husband.

Then, after a couple more moments, the doctor re-enters the room, this time asking for a screwdriver. The husband grows worried and begins to pace in circles. Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a hammer and at that, the husband, in a state of frenzied fear, runs up and asks, "Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?"

"I don't know," replies the flustered doctor, "I can't get my damn bag open."
 

RGrew176

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A man driving by an insane asylum got a flat in his front right tire. He took off his tire and put the lug nuts in the wheel cover. As he rose he accidentally kicked the wheel cover and all the lug nuts went into a deep ditch. Looking in disgust he noticed an inmate at the asylum watching him through a chain link fence.

The man shouted out, "Why don't you take a lug nut from the other three wheels and use them to replace the lug nuts you lost?"

The driver said, "That's a great idea!"

The man replied, " Well I may be crazy, but I am not stupid."
 

RGrew176

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A woman had bought lots of shoes over time and she decided it was time to kick the habit. She really took it seriously, even changing her driving route to avoid her favorite shoe store. One evening, however, she arrived home carrying a shoe box. Her husband grinned at her, but it didn't faze her at all.

"These are very special shoes," she explained. "I accidentally drove by the shoe store and there in the window were the most perfect shoes I've ever seen! I felt this was no accident, so I thought I'd let fate decide. If I would get a parking spot directly in front of the shop, the shoes were meant for me. And sure enough, the eighth time around the block, there it was!"
 

RGrew176

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A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters.' They are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."
 

RGrew176

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What do you call a group of security guards in front of a Samsung store?







Guardians of the Galaxy.
 

RGrew176

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A company offered tours through the historic district, led by guides dressed in Colonial clothing. While leading a group, one of the guides, tripped and fell, breaking his wrist.

He went to the hospital, and as he sat waiting in the emergency room, a policeman walked by. Doing a double take at him in his 18th-century garb he asked, "Just how long have you been waiting?"
 

RGrew176

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How Churches might be in 2020:

PASTOR: Praise the Lord.

CONGREGATION: Hallelujah!

PASTOR: Can we please turn our iPads and Kindle Bibles to Exodus 20:1. When you?re done, kindly switch on your Bluetooth to receive the sermon. Please have your debit cards ready as we shall now collect tithes and offering. You can connect to the church WiFi using password Lord99087 and as for the renovation donations, you?re welcome to contribute via EFT or mobile banking. The holy atmosphere is truly electric as the iPads beep and flicker.

CHURCH SECRETARY: This week?s meetings will be held on the various Whatsapp groups so please don?t miss out! Wednesday Bible teachings will be held live on Skype @1900hrsGMT. By the way, you may follow the Pastor on Twitter for counseling and don?t forget our weekly prayers on YouTube. God bless you all.

CONGREGATION: Amen!
 

RGrew176

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Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver's license.

"Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired.

"No," I replied.

"Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house."
 

RGrew176

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Hearing his wife as she sings, the husband says, "You know dear, when you sing like that I just wish you were on the radio."

The wife smiles and replies, "Wow honey, you think I am that good?"

"No, but at least that way I can change the station or turn it off."
 

gm280

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A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand- new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-Tech Miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
'
You're a Congressman for the US Congress', says Bud.

'Wow! That's correct, 'says the yuppie, ' but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.
 

RGrew176

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An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display.

"Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The gentleman was your doctor."
 

RGrew176

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A guy went fishing with his friend and had to ask, "Where is that new rod and reel you had the last time we went fishing? I can't help but notice that you?re using a stick a string and a safety pin for a hook."

His friend replied, "My wife thinks I'm wasting money so I told her I?d take the new rod and reel back if I didn?t catch a fish... any more questions?"

"Yes, why didn?t you go to the market and buy a fish to take home? If you remember that's what I did last year so I could keep my fishing gear."

His friend answered, "I did, but I forgot to take it out of the package!"
 

RGrew176

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In one small rural town the sheriff also fulfilled the role of the town's veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered.

An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"

"He is, but tell me, do you need him as the sheriff or the vet?" the wife asked.

"Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it!"
 

RGrew176

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The circus was in town and Stanislaus and Oleg were the featured act. While Oleg walked across the high wire without a net, Stanislaus would balance on Oleg's shoulders, all the while juggling 5 balls at once. A few minutes before they were to go on, Oleg called for the ringmaster. It seems Oleg had become deathly ill by eating some bad sushi and would have to cancel tonight's performance.

"You'd better tell Stanislaus," Oleg said. Walking into Stanislaus' dressing room, the ringmaster got right to the point. "Stanislaus, I have some bad news. You won't be doing your act tonight."

"Why not?"

"You don't have Oleg to stand on!"
 

RGrew176

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A drunk stumbled out the door of the bar. He stood on the corner waiting for the light. His wife calls and asks if he is drunk. The man replies, "Of course not!"

Being suspicious that he is drunk, she says, "Okay then, tell me where you are and I will come and get you."

The drunk replies, "I am at the corner of WALK and DON'T WALK!"
 

gm280

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A few cows were grazing in a field when farmer Miller drove in with his shiny older pickup truck, got out and walking down to the lower pasture.
The cows started talking among themselves.

Cow Francis; ?Hilda, do you see that? Farmer Miller drove his truck in the field again and left the keys in it.?

Cow Hilda; "Yes, I see it so what??

Francis; ?Well I have been watching this now for some time and he usually is gone for quite a while.?

Hilda; ?So what, what?s the big deal??

Francis; ?well, we can browse over there, jump in and take that truck for a ride and have loads of fun. He wouldn?t even know we were gone.?

Hilda; ?Yea think??

Francis; ?Yea, I do think.?

Hilda; ?Well braniac, you?ve been watching this for a few weeks now and that is your grant idea? You know that not one of us knows how to drive a stick?so there!?
 
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