Post Your Jokes Here

[RGrew176]

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man, "that's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

 

[RGrew176]

At an art gallery, a woman and her 10 year old son were having a tough time choosing between two paintings. They finally chose and went with the autumn themed one.

?I see you prefer an autumn scene as opposed to a floral one,? said the gallery owner, who happened to be nearby and witnessed the mother-son interaction.

?No,? said the boy. ?This painting is wider, so it?ll cover the three holes I put in the wall.?

 

[bruceb58]

A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.
The guy asks, ?What?s this about??
The bartender replies, ?Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone?s drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it??
The guy replies, ?Nah, the steaks are too high.?

 

[WIMUSKY]

How does the ocean say "hello"? It waves.......

My wife thinks this is embarrassing. Like I care....Lol

 

[bruceb58]

How does the ocean say "hello"? It waves.......

My wife thinks I am embarrassing. Like I care....Lol

Fixed it for you.

 

[WIMUSKY]

Fixed it for you.

Thanx Bruce! Appreciate the clarification..........

 

[RGrew176]

The young boy was spending a Sunday afternoon with his grandpa. Looking at pictures of his grandpa in his military uniform, the boy asked, "Grandpa, did you ever kill anyone in the war?"

"No champ, I never did."

"That's a good thing."

"You're telling me," began grandpa, "I was the cook!"

 

[RGrew176]

After cleaning his patient?s teeth, the dentist accompanied the five year old boy to the reception area, only to see him struggle with the oak door.

?It?s heavy, isn?t it?? asked the dentist.

?Yes,? he said. ?Is that so children can?t escape??

 

[jbcurt00]

Not originally my joke nor my hand

 

[WIMUSKY]

Ok, me and the wife don't get it...

 

[jbcurt00]

Ok, me and the wife don't get it...

Dad stole the Sphinx' nose.... dad's thumb sticking out of his fist is it's stolen nose....

No longer LOL when ya gotta 'splain it....... :facepalm:

 

[WIMUSKY]

Ohhhh, the classic, "I got your nose". The wife said, "Whatever it is, it isn't funny". I'll have to tell her, maybe she'll change her mind....

I was on the line of, "pull my finger"...

 

[WIMUSKY]

Nope, she still thinks it's stupid. And mentioned "hilarious" in a sarcastic tone....Lol

 

[GA_Boater]

Ok, me and the wife don't get it...

You never took the kids nose off?

 

[Grub54891]

You never took the kids nose off?

...​I've made childen cry....

 

[jbcurt00]

Nope, she still thinks it's stupid. And mentioned "hilarious" in a sarcastic tone....Lol

So, she understands us completely then :llama:

 

[RGrew176]

Patient- Dr. How much it will cost me to extract my two teeth?

Dentist- $300 US dollars.

Patient- How much time it will take?

Dentist- Five minutes.

Patient- Five minutes only and it's $300 US dollars! Don't you think that is too expensive?

Dentist- I can do it in 30 minutes if you want?

 

[RGrew176]

And engineer died and when before St. Peter in heaven. St. Peter looked at his book and said "Oh, you belong with the devil."

After a few months in hell the engineer met with the devil and said, "You don't have anything here. I am an engineer and I can design buildings, air conditioning..all kinds of things."

The devil said, "OK... do it!"

When construction was complete the devil was very pleased. Then he gets a call from St. Peter who said, "Do you remember that engineer we sent you? We made a big mistake. He is supposed to be in heaven."

The devil replied with a loud and forceful voice, "YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM!"

St. Peter replied, "We will sue you!"

The devil started laughing. "What are you laughing about?" Where are you going to find a lawyer?"

 

[RGrew176]

A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes that are clearly undersized for him. The salesman says, "But, sir, I can see from up here that you'll need much bigger shoes than that."

The guy says, "That's OK, please bring me the smaller ones."

The salesman brings them, the guy stuffs his feet into them, ties them tight, and then he stands up, obviously in pain. The salesman just has to ask, "Sir, why must you have these undersized shoes?"

He says to the salesman, "I work a boring job, my mother-in-law has just moved in with us, my wife is nagging all the time, and our daughter does nothing but run around screaming the whole day. The only pleasure I have in life is taking off these tight shoes."

 

[RGrew176]

A woman, a manager and his assistant are sitting together in a train. Suddenly, the train goes through a tunnel, and as luck would have it, the lights go out and it's completely dark.

Then there's this kissing noise and the sound of a loud slap. When the train comes out of the tunnel, the woman and the assistant are sitting as if nothing has happened and the manager has his hand against his face, which is red from an apparent slap.

The manager is thinking, "My assistant must have kissed the woman and she missed him and slapped me instead."

The woman is thinking, "The manager must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed his assistant and got slapped for it."

And the assistant is thinking, "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and slap my boss again!"