Post Your Jokes Here

[RGrew176]

After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them."

Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled.

Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children. Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.

The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again."

The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly. "I'll need more power for this one!" she exclaimed.

 

[RGrew176]

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her math classes:

"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"

After a very long silence in the classroom, little Morris raised his hand. The teacher called on Morris for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, little Morris answered, "A good lawyer."

 

[RGrew176]

An actor had been out of work for years because he always forgot his lines. One day he got a phone call from a director who wanted him for an important part in a play.

All the actor had to say was, ?Hark! I hear the cannon roar!"

Opening night arrived, and while he waited in the wings, the actor muttered to himself, ?Hark! I hear the cannon roar! Hark! I hear the cannon roar!"

The time for the entrance finally came. As the actor made his appearance onstage, he heard a loud BOOOOM! He turned around and said, ?What the heck was that??

 

[82rude]

The early bird gets the worm.The second mouse gets the cheese!

 

[RGrew176]

One week before her wedding, a mother pulls aside her daughter (and bride-to-be). She says, "I will now give you the advice that has been passed down from generation to generation, from woman to woman."

The daughter listened attentively, curious as to what the advice would be.

The mom continued, "Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish, and you get rid of him for the whole weekend."

 

[RGrew176]

Deep in the back woods of Tennessee, a farmer's wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there," said the doctor, "don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

"Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The farmer scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You think it might be the light that's attracting them?"

 

[RGrew176]

A widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was approached by a friend who laughingly remarked, "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"

"Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the widow replied.

"What stopped him?"

"I started talking about my next husband."

 

[RGrew176]

In a software design meeting, we were using typical technical jargon to discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor.

One co-worker said the programming we had ordered was delayed because the vendor was suffering from a "severe non-linear waterfowl issue."

Curious, the team leader raised his eyebrows and asked, "What exactly is that?"

The programmer replied, "They don't have all their ducks in a row."

 

[RGrew176]

One Spring afternoon, I came home to find two little girls on the steps of my building. Both were crying hard, shedding big tears. Thinking they might be hurt, I dropped my briefcase and quickly went over to them. "Are you all right?" I asked.

Still sobbing, one held up her doll. "My baby's arm came off," she said.

I took the doll and its disjointed arm. After a little effort and luck, the doll was again whole. "Thank you," came a whisper from the girl as I handed her the doll back. Next, looking into the tearful eyes of her friend, I asked, "And what's the matter with you, young lady?"

She wiped her cheeks and said, "Oh I'm okay, I was just helping her cry."

 

[RGrew176]

A chemical engineer, electrical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer are on a road trip. The car breaks down.

The electrical engineer looks under the hood and can't find anything wrong.

The chemical engineer checks the oil and fuel and can't find anything wrong.

The Microsoft engineer says, "Close all the windows, and try again."

 

[RGrew176]

A family enters a large store. After browsing for several moments they purchase some goods and head for the large counter at the front of the store.

They notice a robotic seal standing in a corner situated near the counter. It is dressed in a tuxedo and each time goods are packaged the seal nods as if in agreement.

After the third purchase is made the father asks the counter assistant why the robot nods each time.

The assistant replies, "Isn't it obvious? It's our seal of approval."

 

[RGrew176]

When I was a teenager, I worked as a bagger for the local supermarket. One of the rules there was baggers cannot accept tips when helping people bring groceries to their car. One day I was putting groceries in an old man's car. When he was finished he said, "Here young man. I want you to have a picture of your uncle George."

What it really was, was a dollar bill. Thinking quickly, I pocketed the 'picture'. I then asked him, "Have any pictures of my grandfathers Ulysses and/or Benjamin?"

 

[RGrew176]

The coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?"

"Yes, coach", replied the boy.

"Do you understand that what matters is we win or lose as a team?"

The boy nodded in agreement.

The coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him insulting names. Do you understand all that?"

Again, the boy nodded yes.

The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach dumb, or stupid, or worse, is it?"

"No, coach."

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your Grandmother."

 

[RGrew176]

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?"

The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

The lizard climbs down the tree, walks thru the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with a monkey in a tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says "Hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says, "Duuuuuuuuuude.......how much water did you drink?!"

 

[RGrew176]

As the new drivers ed student drove through the red light at the intersection, the instructor admonished him and asked, "Why did you not stop for the red light?"

The student replied, "My brother doesn't."

The instructor directed him to return to the school for more instruction before any more driving could take place. On the way back, the student approached the same intersection with a green light, he immediately slammed on the brakes shocking the instructor as well as other drivers. "Why did you stop at a green light?"

The student replied, "You never know when my brother's coming."

 

[RGrew176]

I was getting ready to go to choir practice when I heard my dad say, "Don't forget a bucket."

Confused, I replied, "A bucket? Why?"

?You?ll need something to help you carry a tune."

 

[RGrew176]

A jogger running down a country road is startled as a horse yells at him, "Hey, come over here buddy!" The jogger is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks, "Were you talking to me?"

The horse replies, "Sure was, man I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plow and I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me. I'll make you some money cause I can still run."

The jogger thought to himself,"Boy, a talking horse!" Dollar signs started appearing in his head. So he runs to the house and the old farmer is sitting on the porch. The jogger tells the farmer, "Hey man, I'll give you $5,000 for that old broken down nag you've got in the field."

The farmer replies, "Son, you can't believe anything that horse says. He's never even been to Kentucky."

 

[RGrew176]

Little Hope was practicing the violin in the living room while her father was trying to read in the den.

The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Hope's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up and yelled above the noise, "Can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"

 

[RGrew176]

A gentleman enters a restaurant and asks the waitress what was on special. She replied, "Today we have lobster tales for 50 cents."

He said, "I'll take a dozen!"

She told him since it was a special he would have to pay in advance which he did. Then she said, "Are you ready for your first tale?"

He assured her he couldn't wait. Then she began... "Once upon a time there was this little lobster....."

 

[RGrew176]

Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!"

The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!"

The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?