Post Your Jokes Here

RGrew176

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A wife once gave her husband the silent treatment for an entire week. She didn't say anything, she just put it into practice. She was hoping it would make him be more attentive to her and to their marriage.

At the end of the week she decided to bring up subject. "You notice anything different about us this past week?"

Without missing a beat, and without having a clue either, he replied. ?Yeah, we?re getting along pretty great lately!?
 

RGrew176

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The young couple admired the scarecrow they saw along the road. "Look at that," said the girl. "Not a crow in sight."

The boy looked at the scarecrow and said, "Good job scarecrow!"

To their surprise the scarecrow replied. "Hay, it's in my jeans."
 

RGrew176

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A man goes into a coffee shop and says, "I would like one of your special breakfasts."

"No problem," comes the reply from behind the counter.

"But I want it my way," says the man.

"What do you mean 'your way'?" asks the waiter.

The man says, "Well, I want the eggs only half done," he says. "I want the baked beans done so they are baking hot on the top and freezing cold on the bottom. I want the bacon stuck to the plate with grease, with more rind than actual bacon. I want fried bread so greasy that the grease pours out of it."

"I don't have the time to do all that!" replies the waiter.

"Well it seemed you had the time yesterday!" answers the guest.
 

RGrew176

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After my recent prostate exam, which, I must say, was the most thorough I've ever had, the doctor left and the nurse came in.



As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear.

She said.... "Who was that guy?"




















 

bassman284

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A man was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring his reflection, when he posed the following question to his wife of 20 years, “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”

She answered, “Of course I will. I've already been doing it for the past 5 years haven't I?”
Harsh.
 

RGrew176

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One evening, a family sat down for dinner. The mother served fish and cauliflower. They were all eating, until the boy, chewing on his fish, found a bone.

He pulled it out of his mouth and asked, ?Mom, what do I do with this??

?Put it where you?re sure you won?t eat it,? said his mother.

So the boy carefully stuck it into his cauliflower.
 

RGrew176

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I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself. I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.

"Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said.

"But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained.

"Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."
 

RGrew176

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The prospective son-in-law was asked by his girlfriend's father, "Son, can you support a family?"

"Well, no, sir," he replied, caught off-guard by the question. "Your daughter and I were thinking we'd just have to support ourselves, the rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."
 

RGrew176

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At the end of the college year, a star football player celebrated by attending a late night campus party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met any "potential dates" at the party.

"Oh, I'm much more attracted to the strong academic types than to the party animals," she said. "What's your G.P.A.?"

Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about 25 in the city and 40 on the highway."
 

RGrew176

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A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small, out of the way, town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went.

He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said.

The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Sure, Mister. You want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"
 

RGrew176

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I was inspecting a communications facilities in Alaska. Since I had little experience in flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in a snow-covered area. The pilot descended to just a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back. While my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm.

"I wonder why he didn't land," I said.

"He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed," the man said.

As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. "It looks plowed to me," I commented.

"No," my seat mate said. "It hasn't been cleared for some time."

"How can you tell?" I asked.

"Because," the man informed me, "I'm the guy who drives the plow."
 

RGrew176

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My husband and I couldn?t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.

?If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,? I said, ?which would you get??

?A bulletproof one,? he said. ?I?m married.?
 

RGrew176

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A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"

"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.

The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."
 

RGrew176

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Shirley and Abe, a retired couple from New York City, living in Miami Beach, are getting ready to go out to dinner. Shirley says, "Abe, darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or the Gucci?"

Abe says, "I don't care."

A few minutes later Shirley says, "Abe, should I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?"

Abe says, "Your choice."

A few more minutes pass and Shirley says, "Abe, love, shall I wear my five-carat pearl diamond ring or my six-carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?"

Abe says, "Shirley, I really don't care what you wear, but if you don't get moving, we're going to miss the Early Bird Special."
 

RGrew176

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Three animals were having a drink in a cafe, when the owner asked for the money. "I'm not paying," said the duck. "I've only got one bill and I'm not breaking it."

"I've spent my last buck," said the deer.

"Then the duck'll have to pay," said the skunk. "Getting here cost me my last scent."
 

RGrew176

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Two older women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.

"I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous," the first one said.

"Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented. "But I broke him of that habit real quick."

"What did you do?"

"I hid his teeth."
 

RGrew176

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My high school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader. One day I received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription, ?BE MINE.?

The following day, I received a return valentine from the teacher. It read, ?Thank you, but it?s still a BE MINE-US.?
 

RGrew176

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One day a husband says to his wife, ?Today is a fine day!? Next day he says it again. ?Today is a fine day.? Again next day, he says same thing, ?Today is a fine day.?

Finally after a week, the wife asks her husband, ?Since last week, you are saying today is a fine day. I am fed up. What?s the matter??

"Last week when we had an argument, you said, 'I will leave you one fine day.' I was just trying to remind you."
 

RGrew176

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One morning, while shaving, a fellow started cursing and swearing so loudly it attracted the attention of his wife, who was preparing breakfast in the kitchen.

"What's the matter?" she called out.

"My razor -- it won't cut!" he answered.

"Don't be silly, dear!" she declared. "You mean to tell me your beard is tougher than linoleum?"
 

RGrew176

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The math teacher was giving a lesson on fractions and wrote an example on the chalkboard. He explained that the numerator was the top and the denominator was the bottom. Leaning against the board, he asked the class, "Are there any questions?"

When he turned back to face the board, laughter filled the room. "Mr. Alexander," one student giggled, "you have chalk dust all over your denominator!"
 
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