Post Your Jokes Here

[RGrew176]

A mother and father read a bedtime story of a king to their five year old son. As the story concludes, the son says, "Mom, I also want five wives. One will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me..."

Mom: "And one will put you to sleep!"

Son: "No mom, I will still sleep with you."

Mom's eyes fill up with tears: "God bless you son."

Mom continues: "But who will sleep with your 5 wives?"

Son: "Let them sleep with daddy."

Daddy's eyes fill up with tears: "God bless you son."

 

[RGrew176]

Death comes to take a lawyer away.

The lawyer cries and pleads, "Why so early? I am only forty!"

Death replies, "Not according to the hours you billed."

 

[RGrew176]

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers."
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No."
Jerry said, "She?s lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he?s getting senile."
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Jerry said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .."
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "Were outta here."

 

[RGrew176]

My Dad bought my Mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.

"Oh," said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."

"How come?" I asked.

"Well," he answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing."

 

[RGrew176]

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn.

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

 

[RGrew176]

The young man comes running into the store and says to his buddy, "Tommy, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Tommy reacts, "Did you see who it was?" The young man answers, "No, I couldn't tell... but I did get his license plate number!"

 

[RGrew176]

I recently ran into an old student of mine, who said, ?I always liked you. You never had favorites."

"Why thank you," I replied.

Then he concluded with, "You were mean to everyone.?

 

[RGrew176]

A man walks into a bar, already drunk, and asks for a drink. "Sorry," the bartender says, "but you obviously already had a little too much to drink."

Fuming mad the man staggers out the front door and walks back in through the side door. ?Can I have a drink please??

?Sorry,? the bartender says, ?but you can?t have a drink here.?

The man staggers out again and then stumbles his way back in through the back door. ?Can I please have a drink??

?Enough!? the bartender screamed. ?I told you, no drinks!?

The man looks at the bartender closely and exclaims ?Geez! How many bars do you work at?!"

 

[RGrew176]

A man was on a long walk in the country. He became thirsty so decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire.

There was a baby pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.

The housewife replied, "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."

 

[RGrew176]

At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. Everything quickly turned to chaos when a woman carrying a child started walking towards the front.

Everybody was surprised, shocked, and the bride even fainted. The pastor asked the woman if she had anything to say.

The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."

 

[samuel joff]

Great joke. Really enjoyed. lol

 

[RGrew176]

?Give me a sentence about a public servant,? the teacher instructed her third grade class.

?The fireman came down the ladder pregnant,? answered one little girl.

?Umm ? Do you know what pregnant means??

?Yes,? said the girl. ?It means carrying a child.?

 

[RGrew176]

An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son.

"Don?t be nervous, son, just do your best and remember, if it doesn?t go well, if something happens to me? your mother is going to come and live with you and your family."

 

[RGrew176]

Two men are in a truck driving around with a penguin. Noticing the penguin, a traffic cop stops the truck driver and tells him to take this animal to a zoo right away. The next day, the same cop sees the same two men in the same truck with the same penguin again.

He stops them and says, "Didn't I tell you guys to take this animal to a zoo yesterday?"

The driver replies, "We did officer! We are taking him to the movies today."

 

[RGrew176]

A grandma lovingly gives her granddaughter a kiss on the cheek upon seeing her at a family get-together. Afterwards, she noticed the little girl wiping her cheek.

?Are you wiping off my kiss?? she asked.

?No?, she smartly replied, somewhat embarrassed but quick on her feet, ?I?m just rubbing it in!?

 

[RGrew176]

My four year old daughter had a terrible case of the flu. She was achy, had a high fever, and was terribly hoarse. After waiting in the waiting room at the doctor?s office for over an hour we were finally admitted to see the Doctor.

After the usual routine of listening to her breathing and checking her ears, the Doctor asked my daughter, ?So what would you say is bothering you the most??

After a brief pause, my daughter replies, ?My little brother Steven, he always breaks my toys.?

 

[RGrew176]

A son challenged his boastful father to a game of golf. The son was determined to beat his father in golf for the first time.

On the very first swing, the father got a hole in one.

?Okay, nice shot dad," said the son, thinking quickly on his feet. ?Now I will take my practice shot and then we will start.?

 

[RGrew176]

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop pretty high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. However, the next morning the kangaroo was out again, just roaming around the zoo.

The zoo officials raised the height of the fence to twenty feet. Again, however, the next morning the kangaroo was again roaming around the zoo. This kept on, night after night, until the fence was sixty feet high.

Finally, the camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo replied, "Probably a hundred feet, unless somebody starts locking the gate at night."

 

[RGrew176]

A defendant isn?t happy with how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.

Judge: ?Where do you work??

Defendant: ?Here and there.?

Judge: ?What do you do for a living??

Defendant: ?This and that.?

Judge: ?Take him away.?

Defendant: ?Wait! When will I get out??

Judge: ?Sooner or later.?

 

[RGrew176]

A man was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring his reflection, when he posed the following question to his wife of 20 years, ?Will you still love me when I?m old, fat, and balding??

She answered, ?Of course I will. I've already been doing it for the past 5 years haven't I??