Post Your Jokes Here

RGrew176

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On the morning of her birthday, a woman told her husband, ?I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace. What do you think it means??

?Maybe you?ll find out tonight,? he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. She ripped off the wrapping paper and found a book titled 'The Meaning of Dreams'.
 

RGrew176

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A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of the blue, the wife says, ?I love you!?

?Is that you or the wine talking?? asks the husband.

?It?s me,? says the wife. ?Talking to the wine.?
 

RGrew176

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A man has a curse, he is only able to say a single word every year. But if he doesn't say a word that year he can say two the next year, then three, and so on.

One day he meets a beautiful woman and wants to ask her to marry him, but he has no words saved up so he must wait four years.

So he waits four years and he is finally able to ask her the question. He looks her in the eyes and says "Will you marry me?"

She looks back at him with a smile and twinkle in her eye and replies "Come again?"
 

RGrew176

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A rancher was minding his own business when an FBI agent came up up to him and said, "We got a tip that you may be growing illegal drugs on the premises. Do you mind if I take a look around?"

The old rancher replied, "That's fine, you shouldn't go over there though." As he pointed at one of his fields.

The FBI agent snapped at him, "I'm am a federal agent! I can go wherever I want!" With that he pulled out his badge and shoved it into the ranchers face.

The rancher shrugged this off and continued with his daily chores. About 15 minutes later he heard a loud scream from the field he had pointed out earlier. All of a sudden he could see the FBI agent sprinting towards him with a large bull on his heels.

The rancher rushed to the fence and yelled, "Your badge! Show your badge to the bull!"
 

RGrew176

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A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to K-Mart now?
 

RGrew176

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A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, ?Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. ?I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.?

?The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I?d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.?

?Then my wife?s father died and left us two million dollars."
 

RGrew176

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Wife's Diary: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting strange.

We went to a nice restaurant for dinner. I thought he was upset by the fact that I was a bit late, but he said nothing about it. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was something I had done. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, and again he said nothing. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm sure his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband's Diary: Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out!!
 

gm280

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A guy is outside doing yardwork when his dog comes running up with his neighbor?s pet rabbit in its mouth: muddy and dead.

?Oh, no!? thinks the guy. ?He LOVES that thing!! What am I going to do??

Realizing that his neighbor is gone for the day, the guy gets an idea. He takes the rabbit inside, shampoos it, dries it off, walks it next door, puts it in the hutch, then walks back home.

Sometime later he hears his neighbor?s car pull in the driveway. Wracked with guilt, he sits in silence.

A few minutes later he hears the most blood-curdling scream imaginable coming from his neighbor?s house. ?I know he loved that rabbit, but this is a little extreme? he thinks. He decides to man up and go tell the neighbor what happened.

He walks over and the neighbor is standing by the hutch, looking at the rabbit in horror, absolutely freaking out. The guy tries to explain what happened but the neighbor cannot be calmed down.

?This can?t be happening!? sobs the neighbor. ?Fluffy died two days ago!! I buried him myself!!!?
 

RGrew176

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A husband and wife had a fight.

Wife called her mom: He fought with me again, I am coming to stay with you.

Mom: No dear, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you!
 

RGrew176

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Ron was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends were already married while Ron just bounced from one relationship to the next.

Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Ron replied. "I meet a lot of nice women, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find one who's just like your dear ol' Mother?"

Many weeks passed before Ron and his friend crossed paths again.

"So Ron. Did you find the perfect woman yet? One that's just like your Mother?"

Ron shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends."

"Excellent!!! So... Are you and this girl engaged yet?"

"I'm afraid not," Ron replied, "My Father can't stand her!"
 

RGrew176

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A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
 

RGrew176

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A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,

Your son

Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you DO sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you DO NOT sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow?
Love,

Mom
 

aspeck

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A real old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He hung a sign up outside that read: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your guaranteed treatment for $500; if not cured, get a $1,000 refund."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine vial from box 22
and put a drop in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Aaagh! - that's Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring the vial from box 22 and put a drop in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't - that's Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."


Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and returns after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become very weak. I can hardly see anything!"

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so,
here's your $1000 back" and hands him a $10 bill.

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back. That will be $500."
 

RGrew176

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A young man excitedly tells his mother he?s fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

He says, ?Just for fun, Ma, I?m going to bring over 3 girls and you try and guess which one I?m going to marry.?

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, ?Okay Ma, guess which one I?m going to marry.?

She immediately replies, ?The one on the right.?

?That?s amazing, Ma. You?re right. How did you know??

The mother replies, ?I don?t like her."
 

RGrew176

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Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."
"I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..."
"I PRAY FOR A NEW STEREO..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't hard of hearing."

The little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
 

RGrew176

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A man and a woman who never met before, find themselves on upper and lower berth of a long distance train.

At 2 am, man leans over saying, "Ma'am, sorry to bother you, would you be kind enough to give me a second blanket from the side table. It's awfully cold here.

"I have a better idea", she replied, "Just for tonight, why don't we pretend that we are married?"

"Great idea Ma'am", he replied in great excitement.

She says, "Well then get up and get it yourself."
 

RGrew176

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There are three men in the military practicing skydiving. The first man jumps out and a swiss army knife falls out of his pocket. The second man jumps out and a kitchen knife falls out of his pocket. The third jumps out and a grenade falls out of his pocket. When they land, they go and look for the things they drop because they could have really hurt someone.

The first man is running along the street and sees a little boy crying. "Little boy, why are you crying?" he asks. The boy says, "A swiss army knife fell out of the sky and killed my cat!"

The second man is running along a street and sees a little girl crying. "Little girl, why are you crying?" he asks. The girl says, "A big kitchen knife fell from the sky and killed my puppy!"

The third man is running down a street and sees a little boy laughing hysterically. "Little boy, why are you laughing?" he asks. The boy says, "My dad farted and the house blew up!"
 

RGrew176

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Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home.

One boy throws his bag out the window.

Teacher: Who just threw that?

Boy: Me and I?m going home now.
 
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