Post Your Jokes Here

RGrew176

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A man visited the doctor.

"Doctor, I have terrible flatulence, I have it all the time."

"Please undress so I can examine you," said the doctor picking up a long pole with a brass hook on the end.

"My goodness doctor what are you going to do with that!" yelled the man.

The doctor smiled and said: I?m just going to open the window up there.
 

Volphin

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Jun 5, 2011
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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
 

Limited-Time

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A Rabbi, a Priest a Monk and a Hooker walk into a bar. The bartender says "what is........ this some kind of a joke"
 

bruceb58

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A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
 

GA_Boater

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WARNING

The name of this thread is Post Your Jokes Here. This means post jokes, not links to jokes. Links can be called anything harmless, when in reality the link is not family friendly nor in conformance with iboats wishes.

It hasn't occurred to this point and we want it to stay that way. The first link in this thread, #25, is not harmful but what do you expect from a bunch of accountants?

Thanks
 

Chad Flaugher

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Jan 2, 2015
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A kid is walking down a boat dock when he sees a man with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch. The little boy exclaims "Wow! Excuse me sir, are you a real pirate?"

The man says "Arrrrrg, indeed I am boy!"

The little boy, overwhelmed with excitement, asks the man "Um.... sir, if you don't mind me asking, how did you loose your leg?"

The pirate says "We was sailing in rough waters see.... When a rouge wave hits me boat and knocked me overboard! Before me crew could hoist me aboard, a shark bit me leg clean off!"

The boy said "WOW! Did it bite your arm off too?"

"No laddy!" exclaimed the pirate "We overtook an enemy ship, and during the fight, I lost my arm to the blade of an enemy sword!

"Holly cow!" gasped the boy "Is that how you lost your eye?"

The pirate said "No sonny, it was a clear bright day that day. I was on the bow of me boat looking high in the sky when a seagull pooped in me eye!"

"That's how you lost your eye?" asked the boy, very confused.

"No boy, it was me first day with me hook!"
 

RGrew176

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Mar 20, 2002
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2,088
Two Irishmen were talking: The first asks, "Connor, you know that guy Trump who is running for President?"

Connor says, ?I do Sean, I do."

"Well", says Sean, "The next time he gets up to talk, I'd like to see someone throw a shoe at his head".

"Now, now, you know you're not supposed to wish harm on anyone", says Connor.

"Oh!? says Sean, "I'm not wishing him harm, and I just want to see Donald duck."
 

RGrew176

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Mar 20, 2002
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This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. Going into the final exam, they had solid "A's."

These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem. final was on Monday), they decided to go up to University of Virginia to a party with some friends.

So they did this and had a great time. However, they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Aldric after the final and explained to him why they missed it. They told him that they went up to Virginia for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time. So they were late getting back to campus.

Aldric thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them.

He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.

They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.
It said: (95 points) "Which tire?"
 

RGrew176

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Mar 20, 2002
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A tired traveler decided to find a hotel for the night. He stumbled to the front desk and said to the clerk, ?Pardon me, I?m exhausted, I?ve been driving for fourteen hours, I?m hungry, and I have a headache. Can you just tell me what room I?m in??

?Certainly, sir,? the helpful clerk replied. ?You are in the lobby.?
 

RGrew176

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A man went to his doctor and told him that he had not been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.

?Here take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up,? he said. ?Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed take the red pill with another big glass of water.?

Worried to be put on so much medicine the man said. ?Oh, Doc! Now exactly what is my problem??

The doctor replied, ?You are not drinking enough water.?
 

gm280

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Jun 26, 2011
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A man goes to the doctors and tells the doctor that his hearing is going. He screams "It's gotten to the point that I can't even hear myself fart anymore" he explained. So the doctor thought for a while examined him all over and then wrote a prescription and handed it to the man. The man asked if the prescription would fix his lost hearing. The doctor state "No but it will make you fart louder"! :drum: :pound:
 

gm280

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An elderly couple were sitting in church one nice Sunday morning with a pretty filled congregation. And the lady leaned over to her husband and said "Oh my, I just passed a silent but deadly gas, what should I do?". The husbands stated "You need to change your hearing aid batteries"! :drum: :pound:
 

RGrew176

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Mar 20, 2002
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2,088
A psychiatrist received a postcard from one of his clients who was vacationing in Spain.

?I?m having a great time!? ?Wish you were here to tell me why.?
 

RGrew176

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Mar 20, 2002
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2,088
A nervous passenger decided to purchase flight insurance at the ticket counter. She had some time before the flights departure, so she stopped in a Chinese restaurant in the concourse.

She started to shake as she read her fortune cookie: ?today?s investment will pay big dividends!?
 

RGrew176

Commander
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Mar 20, 2002
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2,088
A doctor in a teaching hospital was discussing an X-ray with his students.

?This patient has been walking with a pronounced limp for some time,? he said. ?The X-ray shows us his fibula and tibia are radically arched.?

He pointed to a student. ?You?what would you do in this case??

?Well, gee!? said student. I guess I?d limp, too.?
 

RGrew176

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Mar 20, 2002
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Joe?s dad scolded him for breaking a neighbor?s window with a baseball.

?What did he say to you when you broke his window?? asked the father.

?Do you want to hear what he said with or without the bad words??

?Without, of course.?

?Well, then, he said nothing.?
 

Tim Frank

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Jul 29, 2008
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The Chairman of the Board, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO known as a hatchet man.
The new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers, and make a real impression on his first day.
The Chairman takes him on a tour of the facilities, and the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business.
The CEO walks up the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $500 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $500 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now get out and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"
Everyone is frozen in fear, but finally one of the workers, feeling he has nothing to lose, raises his hand.
"Yeah?" the CEO demands.
"Pizza delivery man, sir."
 
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